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Friend upset she's not a bridesmaid
Anon: 80444

18th June 2011, 7:12pm
I was wondering if anyone has had a similar situation happen to them and could offer any advice....its a fairly long story so I will try and keep it to the point.
My friend is very upset and angry that she is not a bridesmaid. We have known each other for a long time about 10 years. We live quite a long way from one another now but have always kept in contact.
I have always said we would have a low key wedding and that is what we are doing. I am having my fiances two nieces and my oldest friend (since play school, we are now 30) as bridesmaids. I have a few very close friends that I hold very close to my heart including the girl I am talking about now.
She texted me one day and asked amongst other things, what I was doing - to which I replied back bridesmaid dress shopping. She replied immediately asking who they were and when I told her she said she thought she should have been one.
I was horrified and unable to call straight away but apologised immediately as I had no idea she felt that way or would have expected to be one. Anyway when we did speak, the conversation wasn't good but I explained my reasons for my choices and apologised over and over for being so insensitive - she said it was ok but from that point on conversations were difficult seemed to be improving. When we chatted I would mention bits about our wedding but they were kind of dismissed so I thought in time this would get better but didn't want to rub salt in the wounds.
Then some 3-4 months later she has a massive go at me on the phone for something totally irrelevant and uneccessary and suggests I am trying to start an argument - for which I apologise again because she was upset, I knew she was still hurt from not being bridesmaid but didn't feel there was any real reason for her to blow up or for me to apologise (I didn't say that to her though). She then text saying she crys everytime she thinks of our wedding, she feels excluded and that she has been hiding her feelings from me. We then talk on the phone and again I apologise and apologise - she demands to know why she isn't BM, why I can't have more, she says I am not a good friend,she will never forgive me, she will always bring this up, that I ruined her vision of her wedding (she isn't engaged yet, but is in a long term relationship), that she put me above all of her other friends, she wanted to x,y,z with me and there is a lot more but she also brought up times when I did things with my other friends (like go on a couples holiday to my friends mums house)and didn't ask her - when it wasn't my place to invite others.
So...We have had two conversations since that have ended like this and a third where she was dispondent and barely spoke. Each time I rang her and it took a few days of calling for her to answer.
So...I hand wrote a heart felt letter but before I posted it I recieved an email from her saying that she wouldn't be coming to my hen do - she understands that I never meant for this to happen but by explanations for my BM's is not good enough to make her feel better , saying she is still very angry and hurt and that I have insulted her.
I am at a loss and a little overwhelmed of what to do - our wedding is in 9 weeks....I am so busy I can't go and see her and this has totaly consumed me. None my other close friends reacted like this and I have spoken to them as a result because I was worried I had offended them aswell but they say I hadn't
Any help/advice much appreciated


Replies:
Anon: 43188

18th June 2011, 8:41pm
Hello.
Phew - what a nightmare! From an outsider with no emotional connection to you or this friend, I can honestly say your friend is being a big spoilt brat. If she always thought that you'd be each others bridesmaids then I can understand her being a little shocked or hurt that she isn't going to be. However, how she has acted and spoke to you is bang out of order. She should respect the fact that you are having the wedding you want. If she values your friendship she should be happy for you that your are getting married. Who does she think she is telling you that by having the wedding YOU want has ruined the vision of her own!?!
You also dont have apologise to her for making a decision about your own wedding.
If she doesn't think that your explanations as to why she isn't a bridesmaid aren't good enough then thats her tough luck.
I'd not worry about making the time to go and see her before your wedding, she will obviously only make you feel bad as she has been doing. I'd be a little bit concerned about how she will act at the wedding - you do not want anyone making you feel guilty or uncomfortable on your special day.
Would she rather attend your wedding as a happy friend of the bride, or attend as a bridesmaid knowing that the bride is not happy about being emotionally bullied into doing something she doesn't want?
I hope you manage to sort it out as you sound a really nice person who cares for her friends and doesn't want them to be upset. But after all the hassle she has put you through during a time that is supposed to be fun and exciting, i'd have to re-think if I really needed a friend like her in my life.

Anon: 50412

20th June 2011, 5:31pm
Hi
I fell our with my best friend of 13 yrs 4months before our wedding (25.5.11!) she was bridesmaid and indeed felt the opposite way and decided she felt we were drifting apart, didnt want to come to Hen party (as my sister organised it, not her) and consequentially decided not to be bridesmaid, she was a selfish brat about it though. needless to say she didnt come to wedding and we still dont speak.
The point is.....weddings really do show your true friends, I missed her a little bit but in the end i have gotten over it and not missed her. You seem to be in opposite position but in the end it is the same,,,,she just doesnt sound like a good friend to me anymore. It will be hard to start with but you say u have a few other close friends, just think if how amazing and supportive they are. hugs xxx

Anon: 82268

4th July 2011, 6:13pm
well there are 2 possible options:

Ask your friend if she is able to get over it and if not is there any point in the friendship continuing. You don't need the stress!

Or

If YOU really cherish her friendship (though she clearly doesn't) then make her a bridesmaid or find her an alternative job.

I had the same problem with one of my groomsmen and asked him to be a witness on the register.

Anon: 4572

17th July 2011, 1:41pm
my goodness

firstly stop apologising to her!

You are not bound by some contract to make her bridesmaid!

Most friends understand what a financial commitment weddings are and understand if you can only afford to have so many BMs etc. I had to pick from 8 (from both my side and my husbands), selected 2 (including my sister) and then increased to 3, and had to inform the other 5... but they all understood and instead they all took another role in our wedding, helping us out with numerous other things, such as readings, hen party, dress shopping etc that made them feel just as important as the actual BMs. That's the sign of true friends.

She is throwing her toys out of the pram. Obviously there is something there more deep rooted than being a BM or not that's upsetting her.

But for now, you need to be clear to her... she is either there for you or she's not. You would like her to be involved in some way, but she can't be a BM... if she still won't take you up on it... then she's not a friend worth keeping.

Anon: 58080

21st July 2011, 10:18am
STOP APOLOGISING. I could understand if this was your sister...but she is your friend....and actually she isn't even that. She has no divine right to be your Bridesmaid, no one does, and the way she is acting is unbelievably rude and childish. You haven't ruined anything for her, she IS however ruining yours.

I would tell her she was no friend of mine, because a true friend would understand.

I have 3 steps sisters, and a younger half sister. I am having one of my half sisters as my Maid of Honour, as we are very close, and my half sister as a bridemaid (she is 10) along with my H2B's neice (who is 6).

Before asking my MOH I spoke to my other sisters (we never refer to each other as step as we have been sisters for over 18 years!!) and explained my reasoning. They have both been so supportive and understanding. They understand the financial constraints and the fact that there would just be too many BM's compared to the size of the wedding.

Get rid of this "friend" she is poisoning your big day,

Anon: 58080

21st July 2011, 10:19am
one of my step sister as MOH I meant!

Anon: 58080

21st July 2011, 10:21am
one of my step sister as MOH I meant!

 

 


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